A transsexual love letter to my own self
By Isis Win
After digging through tons of CDs, floppies, Dat tapes, etc., I finally found one of the many poems I wrote a few years ago to my feminine side. Something I did for about ten years and very far from the place I am today.
I had no idea I would be getting to the place I live in today! Yet, after reading this one, no wonder.
This is more than a poem, a letter I wrote to myself in the same fashion I used in my poetry. It looks like I am writing to someone else. Actually, I was. I was addressing my feelings to that unsupported, no comprehended, and vital part of myself. In the same fashion, we refer to her when we are her, and to him, when we are him, I wrote from one to the other one.
To me, such a process is exactly the same when I write a letter to someone I can’t really tell what I have to say. I write the letter, never send it, and burn it as a ceremonial letting go of the person or the issue.
Again, when I wrote this, I had no idea that one day I would really mean what I felt. I would allow my feminine to become physical, real, and live with me, myself.
Although I still am short of fully delivering my sentiment, my feelings about my duality are as strong as they were before.
Maybe my writing is not that powerful or clear, but my feelings are, and I dearly love them.
Thanks, and enjoy it!
March 29, 1996. Los Angeles, California
This is a short letter to share with you what you and your friendship mean to me. From all the people I’ve met, you are the one I feel deserves the words that come out of my actions and feelings when you are present. This is the most challenging thing for me to do, since my actions come out of my heart spontaneously, without request or hesitation. Putting my feelings and thoughts on a piece of paper demands the maximum of my consciousness. Not only that, but it challenges my fears of openness to let you know how much you can expect from me and how committed and invested I am in this relationship.
I feel total nakedness in the middle of the dark with the spotlight on me. I don’t fear your scrutiny but my openness and vulnerability. Your presence in my life has brought within me a striving for honesty, directness, and the sincerity that I have in the past reserved only for those who offered me theirs.
With you, there is no need for me to expect the same from you because there are peace and space for me to roam in the realm of my intimacy. No need to protect, cover or armor the most intimate parts of me, many of which nobody else knows about, yet parts which I can share all with you. That, simultaneously, brings the deepest closeness within my own self: full of love, full of understanding, support, forbearing. All because of you.
When I am around you, your attention and presence bring the giving and attentive, grounding my presence around you, caring and sharing for the wonderful outcome of our dancing together. That, to me, is friendship. There is no abuse, no infliction of a struggle simply because there is no struggle, but simplicity. No place looks empty when you are around. No place lacks sound for the soul when you are around, and it never matters where I go, you go with me.
Your presence in your utmost ethereal is always a nutrient of mine. Making me feel whole, complete with all my maleness, and staying in touch with all your femaleness, closing the loop of the energy that makes me creative, adventurous, mysterious, strong, intense, inquisitive, and myself. Who I am and who I’m not do not matter, because I am always present Present with you and with myself, creating an unprecedented intensity that builds steadily the necessary strength in the journey of life. This intensity also brings the light of me and your presence and provides me the cover that shades the weaknesses of my victories, my endeavors, in the learning process of life, what it was, and revealing what I want it to be, for you and for me.
Your friendship is a not solo flight. It is an invitation for me to be present and tuned for the new risings in my growth while having a helping hand available to seed every day in your fertile ground. All of this doesn’t have a meaning without you, without your friendship. I say so, as I watch the growth created by your hand in this realm of mine. You are the one to harvest from mine, while I care and wait for the growth of yours. I seed and water, I cover and feed, for the day to come and show you what has grown in you, as you witness the growth in me.
In this friendship of mine, there are not unfulfilled requests, neither unnecessary demands. Just needs met, desires accomplished, dreams to follow, together and alone. It is in the tandem of our energy where the secret lives, and it is in the attention given, where the dance takes place.
In this friendship of ours, there is room for both of us to breathe, turn around, stop, go, see, feel, and orchestrate from simplicity to magnitude. In this friendship of ours, there is space for expressing without sensing judgment, exploring with no restrictions, risking with no consequences, receiving without asking, giving without invading, learning without prying. There is enough room for tears and laughter, genuine and discovery. This friendship of ours is ours, and no one disowns it. In the realm of freedom, we explore each other with passion, knowing that the discovery of each other represents the encounter with ourselves. The love and lust for each other represent the preservation of our utmost selves. The balance and trust of each other represent the evolution of our soul in the most intimate confinement, but we are not alone at all, because you have yourself and I have mine, and because we have the capability, willingness and desire to share our oneself with each other. In that way, we find the most precious parts of each other, without ignoring the counterparts that make us wholesome and unabridged.
You represent to me the opportunity to prove my self, to mirror myself and my actions with a meaningful outcome, to persevere and improve my surroundings through strengthening my inner self, with all my parts and the places that this dance of us takes us.
You represent my beloved self with all the grace I can grant without request. The same that comes from the deepest and more meaningful parts of my soul, my body and my mind, and all this is present, thanks and through your presence in my life.